something to think about

Children are not tomatoes to stake out or mules to train, nor are they numbers to plug into an equation. They are full human beings wondrously and fearfully made. Parenting, like all tasks under the sun, is intended as an endeavor of love, risk, perseverance, and, above all, faith. It is faith rather than formula, grace rather than guarantees, steadfastness rather than success that bridges the gap between our own parenting efforts, and what, by God's grace, our children grow up to become. Leslie Leyland Fields

Indifference to injustice is more insidious than the injustice itself.
- Dr. Cornel West

Beautiful Like Me - Inspiration

Okay, here it is! This week's Beautiful Like Me question is In your opinion, what is the best way to build self-esteem?

Like so many of life’s bigger questions, there are more answers, leading to more questions – none of which can be looked at in isolation. Generally, the answer to this question seems to focus on media and culture. I want to explore something else. Something personal and something I believe may be an integral part of finding our way to a better place.

I propose that the best way to build self-esteem is to start with a foundation of respect, unconditional love and support and the recognition that every child is fully human. As a first time parent, I have spent a great deal of time reading all manner of books on the subject of raising children. Despite some significant differences in “expert” opinion about how to do this, there is often a common theme centering on behavior. Specifically, how to get your child(ren) to behave in a way that is acceptable to you as a parent and society in general. I will be the first to admit that a compliant child is a more appealing thought to me than one that might be labeled “strong-willed” but I am increasingly bothered by the means to which we will go to get that compliance. There seems to be very little regard and even less respect for the fact that the child is a human being fully capable of his or her own thoughts and feelings. There is an assumption that they are lesser than; incapable – that they need adults to coerce them about how to feel, how to think, how to behave. I am not saying that children do not require guidance. But I am struggling to accept the ways in which we (parents, adults) try to bend them to our own will. Frequently when it really does not matter all that much.

In case you’re new here, I have triplets. Three little boys who are as different as can be. Three personalities who view the world uniquely, who set out to solve problems in ways that make sense to themselves but not necessarily to each other or their parents. I believe them to be amazing individuals with incredible gifts each their own. But I also need (if I am being really honest it’s more likely that I want) things to run smoothly. Their compliance makes life easier – less challenging – for me. And there is always the underlying fear that if I do not stay on top of it utter chaos will prevail and we will never have any peace again. I’m always outnumbered and having some semblance of order over the situation allows me to feel (as delusional as it may be) like I am in control. But what price are my children paying for my need/want to maintain my comfort zone? How often am I reminding, correcting, nagging and my worst offense that happens entirely too often, yelling at them to obey? What is the message they receive from me, the person they spend most of their time with, the person they look to for guidance and unconditional love? My greatest fear is that what they are hearing from me (never overtly, of course) is that they are not good enough. And I am left to wonder if this is where the breakdown of self esteem begins. And it cracks my heart open with grief because I am only human, I really do try and be the best I can be for them but I am selfish, I am tired, I am overwhelmed.

Two books have challenged me in a way that no other parenting books have and I highly recommend every parent check your local library for copies –

· Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, and
· 10 Conversations You Need to Have with Your Children by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach

I was going to give a little summary of each but coincidentally (or maybe it’s fate??), I just began another this evening and within the first 3 pages I have found myself challenged, moved and inspired. It is completely in sync with the thoughts I am exploring here and so I share this with you now:

Parenting isn’t about molding lumps of formless clay into something virtuous and beautiful. Your child arrived in the world a complete original…Your job as a parent isn’t just to pay for piano lessons, or drive your son to soccer practice – it’s to enable him to explore the full potential of his own personality and intelligence and capacity for love. Parenting doesn’t just mean wiping our kid’s nose and making sure that her socks match; it means throwing kindling on the spark of her potential and ardently fanning the ensuing blaze.

We must not simply police our children, we must inspire them.

If we simply superimpose our will on our children, they will feel coerced... If we bully our children into doing well, instead of bringing out a desire to contribute their unique gifts to the world, they will resent us… We must instead use inspiration so that they become willing participants – enthusiastic ones, even – in their own improvement. Every parent is capable of inspiring their children, and we must now find this talent within ourselves and bring it to the forefront. (from Parenting With Fire,
Shmuley Boteach)

So my answer to this week’s question, in your opinion, what is the best way to build self-esteem, is really a thought I am still developing. One that will ask more questions than it answers but one that I hope I will be mindful of in my journey as a mother. I think the building of self-esteem begins long before the pre-teen years and long before the media and culture at large begin to exert their influences on our kids. I think it begins at home and I think it begins right now.

There are several very talented bloggers participating in this project. Because I am a technical dingbat, I have not figured out how to link everyone here in my post. Check out the Beautiful Like Me Project Home Page for links to all the participants and check them out for more thoughts that will make you think (that sounds funny, but you know what I mean!).

Boys

A boy is trust with dirt on it's face, beauty with a cut on it's finger, wisdom with bubble gum in it's hair, and the hope of the future with a frog in it's pocket

The practice of peace and reconciliation is one of the most vital and artistic of human actions. - Thich Nhat Hanh

Powerful

When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my
vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.

-Audre Lorde

Hmm

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life flow no longer in our souls.

- Elizabeth Cady Stanton,speech to the National American Woman Suffrage Association, 1890.

Politics

The Left mocks the Right. The Right knows it's right. Two ugly traits. How far should we go to try and understand each other's point of view? Maybe the distance grace covered on the cross is a clue.

~Bono. lead singer of U2

Currently Reading: God's Politics: Why the Right Gets It Wrong and the Left Doesn't Get It

Today's Thoughts

O Lord, open my eyes that I may see the needs of others; open my ears that I may hear their cries; open my heart so that they need not be without succor; let me notbe afraid to defend the weak because of the anger of the strong, nor afraid to defend the poor because of the anger of the rich ... And so open my eyes and my ears that I may this coming day be able to do some work of peace for thee.
- Alan Paton


No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it. We must learn to see the world anew - Albert Einstein.

It's extraordinary to me that the United States can find $700 billion to save Wall Street and the entire G8 can't find $25 billion dollars to save 25,000 children who die every day from preventable diseases. ~Bono

Great social forces are the mere accumulation of individual actions. Let the future say of our generation that we sent forth mighty currents of hope, and that we worked together to heal the world.~ Jeffrey Sachs The End of Poverty

Once there is seeing, there must be acting. Otherwise, what is the use of seeing?

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

The only dream worth having ... is to dream that you will live while you’re alive and die only when you’re dead ... To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or to complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.

- Arundhati Roy
From her book, The Algebra of Infinite Justice

It is so important not to let ourselves off the hook or to become apathetic or cynical by telling ourselves that nothing works or makes a difference. Every day, light your small candle.... The inaction and actions of many human beings over a long time contributed to the crises our children face, and it is the action and struggle of many human beings over time that will solve them—with God's help. So every day, light your small candle.

- Marian Wright Edelman

Guide My Feet

Perhaps everything terrible is, in it's deepest being, something that needs our love.

Rainer Maria Rilke

A Call to Action

What shalt thou do? ... Do good. Do all the good thou canst. Let thy plenty supply thy neighbor’s wants; and thou wilt never want something to do. Canst thou find none that need the necessaries of life, that are pinched with cold or hunger; none that have not raiment to put on, or a place where to lay their head; none that are wasted with pining sickness; none that are languishing in prison? If you duly considered our Lord’s words, "The poor have you always with you," you would no more ask, "What shall I do?"

- John Wesley"On Worldly Folly"

The Quest for Perfect

I have issues. Who doesn't? But I am struggling with how to keep my balance, my calm (this is not something that comes to me naturally) under pressure. The daily demands of raising three young sons, a husband who works a lot and travels often, a home that has never been described as organized (even on our best day), and the list goes on. Meanwhile, I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up but am desperately trying to find a way to define myself - for myself - as my identity seems to have been lost in the delivery room. I read self help books, I lurk on mommy blogs, I pray - sometimes beg - for patience and acceptance of things I cannot control...and life goes on. I try to be grateful for everything. The little things as well as the obvious. I try to remind myself that this is only a moment in time. It will not last forever and while some days seem eternal, I will be sad when they are gone. Just as I already miss so many things about having babies although the first year of life with triplets is something I doubt I have the strength of character to ever repeat! I am not inclined to discuss these things or even to write them down (I am a terrible journaler and even worse when I think of everyone being able to access my thoughts and feelings online - as if anyone reads this...). I am struggling. Whether or not peace and (internal) silence can ever be achieved I do not know. But growth - now I have lots of that going on. And that is good right? I think it is. I hope it is.

I just started what so far seems to be a fantastic book - The Mother Trip: Hip Mama's Guide to Staying Sane in the Chaos of Motherhood by Ariel Gore. Here's a brief excerpt from the Preface (titled Chaos Training):

Motherhood is not what we imagined. It is more delightful, more
heartbreaking. It ruins everything. It's not the calm after the storm we have been led to expect. It's almost more than a person can bear. Almost...

Our intuition isn't always accessible. We need each other's support and helpful words. What we don't need is junk-food advice that tells us to ignore our feelings, that undermines our confidence and insults our intelligence. It's just a recipe for depression. Because what is intuition? It's a capacity of the spirit. It's knowledge...But there is also a jumping off point from this circular equation, a point where we can recognize our exhaustion for what it is, give ourselves a break, and in that quiet hour begin to transform the energy our culture has taught to use to scrutinize and blame ourselves, and turn it outward, into something revolutionary.

We can juggle, run in circles, we can make ourselves manic, burned out, bummed. But here's the thing: Chaos comes anyway. It comes whether we want it to or not. It comes even if we pretend we don't see it coming. And here's the other thing: Chaos is good news. It's movement. It's change. It's revolution. It's scary. But like intuition, I think we can trust it.

Heroes

For a lot of reasons, this quote has touched me today. I loved Mr. Rogers!!!

When I was very young, most of my heroes wore capes, flew through the air, or picked up buildings with one arm. They were spectacular and got a lot of attention. But as I grew, my heroes changed, so that now I can honestly say that anyone who does anything to help a child is a hero to me.

Fred Rogers1928 - 2003

When we adults think of children there is a simple truth that we
ignore: childhood is not preparation for life; childhood is life. A child isn't getting ready to live; a child is living. No child will miss the zest and joy of living unless these are denied by adults who have convinced themselves that childhood is a period of preparation. How much heartache we would save ourselves if we would recognize children as partners with adults in the process of living, rather than always viewing them as apprentices. How much we could teach each other; we have the experience and they have the freshness. How full both our lives could be. John A. Taylor

Things To Consider

• What Every Parent Should Know
• (Un)Conditional Parenting

We shall not achieve any significant change in society until we focus not only on what it means to be a parent, but also on what it means to be a child. Doreen Goodman