Wanna Be

I want to be a "real" blogger, I really do. I think I'm just a stalker though. I keep finding blogs I love to read. They inspire me to think about things in different ways, to appreciate things overlooked. They also validate some of my feelings about mothering and life. I have a zillion stories of my own floating around inside my brain but I cannot seem to get past being freaked out by how publicly accessible things are on the internet. I always feel a bit dishonest when I do post something because there are so many layers being left our for the sake of privacy. If anyone ever looks at this post, and if you are a blogger, how do you find the courage to be so honest? So vulnerable to an unknown audience? And even more so, knowing that people you know are reading, do you not feel so exposed?

I think I'm going to post a little more often this year. We'll see...

What I am Thinking About

The little boys are back in school. And as the summer wore on, I must admit that I was ready for their return. I've got a "to do" list that is miles long and limited time in which to accomplish these things that are so much simpler without small children in tow. But I am also learning to cherish the time I do have with them. To give to them - joyfully. And this is a hard lesson for me as I sadly default to resentment when I feel stretched too thin. This came to my inbox this morning and I am considering it slowly, thoughtfully that I may take it to heart. That I may keep it at the forefront of my mind. Both as a mother and a daughter. Another hard lesson, one that I am reminded of daily on this journey of mine as a mother, is grace and thankfulness for my own mother who plucked so much of herself for her little ducklings. Thanks Mom - I love you.

Plan B

Clearly I am not keeping up with daily posting. I do want to keep the blog and I do want to use it for journaling this process of little boys growing up (and Mommy too), so my new goal is to post weekly...possibly more often if time allows but weekly for sure. Not even ready to commit to a day of the week - it may be Monday it may be Friday - who knows, but I will post at least once per week. This little ramble is not my post for this week. I will have a week in review up tomorrow - seriously, I will (try). Here's a sample of things that may be in that post:

• The boys started soccer (1st time) and it is a hoot
• New mommies - as observed at the playground and memories of my first year as a first time mom
• sick kids (this is a winter long theme)
• faith and politics - because I am feeling crazy
• higher education - as in, I want to go to grad school next year but I think it may be a little delusional to think it possible, we'll see
• whatever else I can come up with that seems slightly interesting even if only to myself

So check in tomorrow (night) and see what made the cut.

The Quest for Perfect

I have issues. Who doesn't? But I am struggling with how to keep my balance, my calm (this is not something that comes to me naturally) under pressure. The daily demands of raising three young sons, a husband who works a lot and travels often, a home that has never been described as organized (even on our best day), and the list goes on. Meanwhile, I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up but am desperately trying to find a way to define myself - for myself - as my identity seems to have been lost in the delivery room. I read self help books, I lurk on mommy blogs, I pray - sometimes beg - for patience and acceptance of things I cannot control...and life goes on. I try to be grateful for everything. The little things as well as the obvious. I try to remind myself that this is only a moment in time. It will not last forever and while some days seem eternal, I will be sad when they are gone. Just as I already miss so many things about having babies although the first year of life with triplets is something I doubt I have the strength of character to ever repeat! I am not inclined to discuss these things or even to write them down (I am a terrible journaler and even worse when I think of everyone being able to access my thoughts and feelings online - as if anyone reads this...). I am struggling. Whether or not peace and (internal) silence can ever be achieved I do not know. But growth - now I have lots of that going on. And that is good right? I think it is. I hope it is.

I just started what so far seems to be a fantastic book - The Mother Trip: Hip Mama's Guide to Staying Sane in the Chaos of Motherhood by Ariel Gore. Here's a brief excerpt from the Preface (titled Chaos Training):

Motherhood is not what we imagined. It is more delightful, more
heartbreaking. It ruins everything. It's not the calm after the storm we have been led to expect. It's almost more than a person can bear. Almost...

Our intuition isn't always accessible. We need each other's support and helpful words. What we don't need is junk-food advice that tells us to ignore our feelings, that undermines our confidence and insults our intelligence. It's just a recipe for depression. Because what is intuition? It's a capacity of the spirit. It's knowledge...But there is also a jumping off point from this circular equation, a point where we can recognize our exhaustion for what it is, give ourselves a break, and in that quiet hour begin to transform the energy our culture has taught to use to scrutinize and blame ourselves, and turn it outward, into something revolutionary.

We can juggle, run in circles, we can make ourselves manic, burned out, bummed. But here's the thing: Chaos comes anyway. It comes whether we want it to or not. It comes even if we pretend we don't see it coming. And here's the other thing: Chaos is good news. It's movement. It's change. It's revolution. It's scary. But like intuition, I think we can trust it.

Resolution

Considering this as I evaluate what this new year means for me, for my family. Anticipating a birthday, enjoying the final days of school break (and a very lax schedule) and considering how to live in a way that is consistent with what I believe. Authenticity. A great word...and I am so far from it. Trying to stop "doing" and just start "being". What is important to me? Would you know by my actions, my life, if I did not tell? These thoughts and more are with me as I reflect on where I have been, where I am going...where am I going? Stay tuned....