Glued Together

It's been an interesting couple of weeks around here and I thought I'd try and sum it up (along with what I am learning) in this post. Apologies for the lengthy rambling.

Our little boys are growing up. Eating us out of house and home (C had 5 pancakes for breakfast and 5 pieces of [homemade] pizza for dinner on the same day), compiling a growing list of childhood injuries (2 black eyes, one split lip that happened while shopping, one split chin requiring an ER visit, brilliantly colored bruised cheekbone, one goose egg, 10 splinters in one little foot, multiple scrapes and scratches and a cut in the bottom of a different little foot - these are just the ones I remember from this month), and exerting an ever growing need for independence at every turn. I have been struggling to keep it all together as Kelly has been working long hours and has been noticeably absent at the most trying time of our day (from just before dinner until bed time). He is such a blessing to our family, a tremendous help and source of humor and strength as well as a welcome distraction (for the boys and I alike) from the routine chaos. We miss him terribly when he is not here. I am feeling a little-no, a lot -crazy in the midst of it. Pitying myself and "single parenting" and then I remember my Aunt Maria and our dear friends in Germany and I am heartbroken for their loss and ashamed of my selfishness. Searching for perspective, wanting (and frequently failing) to be mindful of what is before me I feel the heaviness of the responsibilities that never cease. And I am tired. Tired of being a referee for little boys whose solution to any disagreement is a physical attack followed by the type of screaming that should only ever be permitted in the most dire of emergencies. Tired of sassy attitudes and outright defiance. Tired of the endless questions that have no finite answer and so they continue on and on. Tired from lack of sleep. Just plain tired! This tiredness has been defining me, has shifted and altered my attitude and I am not feeling like the good mommy I'd imagined myself to be. I am not even behaving like the mommy my children need and deserve. My voice is too loud, my temper too short. Yet they love me in spite of my failings (at least for now). And at the end of the day (or after any unpleasant exchange) when I ask their forgiveness, when we talk about our day and the things we should have all done differently, when I remind them that they are loved unconditionally even when mommy is grumpy or when they are angry or unkind we are immediately whole again. This fragile and frequently fractured circle of relationships that is our family can be glued back together (as C says about his chin - held together by Dermabond in lieu of stitches) and healing begins. Cs "glue" did not hold up to the rigors of life as a 3 year old triplet. We had to re-visit his doctor and re-evaluate our healing plan. A reminder that this love and these relationships must be nurtured, this trust must be valued and not taken for granted and this Mommy must get it together while there is still precious time with these little boys who will all too soon grow up and make a life on their own. Mothering is hard work! And it is the best job I have ever had the privilege to do...